What's the deal? I leave a trail of failed relationships in my past. It would be nice to find the guy that cherishes me, wants to work hard to please me, treats me totally special and has undying love for me. Is it too much to ask? It's how I go into a committed relationship. If there is such a guy, I've yet to meet him.
The irony is that almost every single guy that I broke up with saw my value after the fact. They wished that we were still together and if I happened to run into them, they made the fact that they missed me VERY clear. But the question in my mind has always been, can you go back? Can it be better the second time around or is it gone? Can the flame be rekindled? Do you want to rekindle it?
I have been hanging out with a friend of mine off and on for a few weeks now. It's fun, it's relaxing, it's comfortable. He's being sweet, kind, gentle, attentive. We are friends, no doubt. We can talk about anything, which makes it easy to hang out. The thing is that I know there are underlying feelings still there on his side - even after all this time. We broke up nearly 6 years ago. I had issues with him, he had issues with me. We were all about issues.
So here we are again, hanging out, silently wondering if the wanting to hang out outweighs the risks. Although this time we cannot take it to the relationship level. It has to stay on the friends level. We can only hang out, be friends, shoot pool, drink a few beers, and get along. Nothing more can come of it. But how will we keep it there? The hurt is right around the corner.
In the meantime, I will just enjoy it while I can.
Actually, it seems that all of these types of my relationships end basically the same way. They don't really end.......they just die off. You know, less talking, less kissing, hugging and intimacy, less time spent, sometimes more drinking, definitely more bitching because as it deterioriates I get totally frustrated. I mourn the loss before it's really over.
Well, we'll see how we manage this one. Hopefully no one will get hurt. After all this time, I want to believe this:
"And in the end,
the love you take is equal to the love you make."
--- The Beatles