Monday, March 28, 2005

Going out to shoot pool

Need to practice a little

I've been shooting pool for about 14 years. I used to shoot pool all the time. We had a pool table and I shot on a league. Over the past 5 years, I haven't shot pool much at all. The pool table was sold because I didn't have a place to really have it. I mean we couldn't get it level because my basement floor is the worst!!

My ex taught me how to shoot pool, even though it was painful because I never did like him giving my any instructions. I was pretty good and I've learned from the many people that I played against.

This week I'm going to get some practice in. I would love to be on a league again. But in order to do that I have to learn more defensive shooting and this week I am going to start on this path.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Happy Easter

hippity hoppity!!

It's a gloomy, gray day. The sun only peeped out for a few minutes this morning while I was cooking! But it's been the BEST day. I love days that I get to spend with my family. We went to church this morning and it was glorious! Then when I came home, I finished cooking the most fantastic meal - my very own special recipe: Mexican Lasagne and a ham, mashed potatoes, asparagus, baked beans, potatoe salad and macaroni salad. All with a fresh salad with tons of vegies and asiago cheese dinner rolls. Topped off with a couple bottles of wine and some green apple martinis. Mmmmmm.

Everyone has eaten. I had all my kids, their friends, and my friends here for the day. It was a great time. Lots of laughter and joking going on, video games being played and BASKETBALL on the TV! (too bad for UK and my picks!) I have cupcakes for dessert when everyone is ready.

I hope you had a nice Easter with your family. It's a blessed day and one that is so important for the Christian faithful. Luckily for me, my kids realize the importance of the season. :)

Guitarman and I have been hanging out and talking. He says he cares for me very deeply. We'll see, I have strict requirements, and I doubt that he will be able to cut it. It's a tall order, many have tried and have failed.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Fun shopping

off for Spring Break

My daughter is going on a trip with her friends from school to Florida for Spring Break. They are going to have so much fun and I'm glad she is going. They have been friends since 2nd grade and there's about 12 or 13 people going. Wow!! Oh to be a fly on the wall.........:)

In the meantime, Guitarman drove us last night to the mall, went shopping with us and we just had a generally great time. The thing that REALLY gets me is that she had a great time with him! They talk and laughed and hung out. She NEVER does that with others. I guess she's growing up.

You know, I'm reading he's just not that into you and it's cracking me up. It's so true. I think every woman who's dating or trying to get hooked up in America should read this book. I'm going to be sure that my daughter does! I swear, I have dated almost everyone one of those types, some all rolled into one's bizarre. I'll start posting my favorites :)

Gotta go, my email is downloaded and I gotta get back to work.
happy happy joy joy

Tuesday, March 22, 2005


with a capital P!!!

I have never seen anyone procrastinate as much as Rainman. He acts as though my house is the Storage Unit down the street and that I don't mind storing his stuff. When someone asked you to get your stuff out of their basement after they were nice enough to let you store it there, son't you comply? This has been building up for 6 months now. I don't even like talking to him anymore, after all the stupid shit that was said and done way back in October and before. And now, I still have to call and ask him to come over and get his stuff. Even threaton to trash it all, in order to get the fire lit under his ass. Unreal.

But it's a pattern that I ignored. Yes, I chose to ignore every red flag. DUH! Why do I do that? hmm, don't know but I'm really good at it. Last night I was thinking of the red flags I've ignored.
Might just cook Easter dinner at home this year and have the kids over. Don't feel like dealing with the family and the inquisition. Everytime I show up without a boyfriend, oh boy..the questions start.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Great News!

No Cancer!!

I just couldn't be happier! No Cancer in my test results - YAY!! It's really been a concern of mine and on my mind for months now. The worry and wonder. Then having to wait to find out, it's a relief, that's all I know.

I'm going out to celebrate with a few friends!!

"Now this is not the end.
It is not even the beginning of the end.
But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."

--- Sir Winston Churchill, November 1942

Monday, March 14, 2005

Just another day

Is there such a thing?

Hey, did you hear about the woman in Atlanta that staved off the courtroom killer? It's an incredible story, showing God's power, love and authority when you call on Him. I'm amazed, she's so blessed to be alive. God really has a plan for her.

For those that urged me to reach out to my friend. I did. I returned the dish that she sent the food to my house in after my surgery and included a note thanking her for all that's she's done for me and how much I appreciate it. I hope that it will be the beginning to end this ridiculousness. I'll let you know.

In the meantime, Guitarman called me right on time today. I wasn't home yet, but he tried to call. I really appreciated this. He's going to take my daughter driving tomorrow after work. That will be fun to let her practice. I'm not sure she'll have her drivers license in 10 days, but she'll be well on her way. But, it will be fun to go out driving and watch how she interacts with him. It will be like the "old days". I'm so glad we're friends again.

And last night Rainman came to get more of his belongings. Wow, he's been moving for 3 months. I've never seen anyone so slow at everything in my whole life. He was really strange acting to me. Didn't seem that he even wanted to face me or talk to me or anything. I don't know what to think of this guy, his behavior is too strange for me to understand. We were friends, geez, what happened???

men? strange? friends? possible? impossible!!??!!

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Responsibility and Integrity

Chapter 2

Ok, this goes back a few weeks to my blog about my friend and integrity. I know I didn't reveal the details of the transgression, at the time. But I just have to explain because I still don't get it.

Back in December, she picked me up to go out and hit my son's girlfriend's car which was parked across the street from my driveway. She just didn't see the car. No big deal, accidents happen. She asked if she could just pay to get the car fixed, help keep her insurance rate from hiking up. I didn't see it as a problem, hey, it was among friends, right?!?

After the whole entire situation blew up on the 28th, it became obvious that she was not going to pay to fix the car that she hit. So the owner of the car called her insurance company to help her get her car fixed. Well, just yesterday, I found out that the car is still not fixed, my "friend" won't return the insurance company's phone calls.

You know, I was starting to get soft on the whole idea of "hoping to maintain a friendship" with my friend. I will be seeing her soon and was going to make an effort to "make up". It was driving me nuts that we were not talking to each other any more, until I learned this. You know, the thing that is getting to my entire family is the fact that she makes plenty of money, she could more than afford to pay for the damages to the car. Instead, she turned the fault onto the car owner, who wasn't even around when the car got hit!!

How bizarre is this? How many lies has she told? to me? to others? How many false accusations has she made? What is she REALLY about? Better to find out now before I got in too deep.

So now what do you think????

The Saga continues.....

and the irony of it all!

What's the deal? I leave a trail of failed relationships in my past. It would be nice to find the guy that cherishes me, wants to work hard to please me, treats me totally special and has undying love for me. Is it too much to ask? It's how I go into a committed relationship. If there is such a guy, I've yet to meet him.

The irony is that almost every single guy that I broke up with saw my value after the fact. They wished that we were still together and if I happened to run into them, they made the fact that they missed me VERY clear. But the question in my mind has always been, can you go back? Can it be better the second time around or is it gone? Can the flame be rekindled? Do you want to rekindle it?

I have been hanging out with a friend of mine off and on for a few weeks now. It's fun, it's relaxing, it's comfortable. He's being sweet, kind, gentle, attentive. We are friends, no doubt. We can talk about anything, which makes it easy to hang out. The thing is that I know there are underlying feelings still there on his side - even after all this time. We broke up nearly 6 years ago. I had issues with him, he had issues with me. We were all about issues.

So here we are again, hanging out, silently wondering if the wanting to hang out outweighs the risks. Although this time we cannot take it to the relationship level. It has to stay on the friends level. We can only hang out, be friends, shoot pool, drink a few beers, and get along. Nothing more can come of it. But how will we keep it there? The hurt is right around the corner.

In the meantime, I will just enjoy it while I can.

Actually, it seems that all of these types of my relationships end basically the same way. They don't really end.......they just die off. You know, less talking, less kissing, hugging and intimacy, less time spent, sometimes more drinking, definitely more bitching because as it deterioriates I get totally frustrated. I mourn the loss before it's really over.

Well, we'll see how we manage this one. Hopefully no one will get hurt. After all this time, I want to believe this:

"And in the end,
the love you take is equal to the love you make."

--- The Beatles

Thursday, March 10, 2005

A better day

But still crazy

I worked 13 hrs today. Wow! I was glad to leave my computer behind and come home. I didn't cook, it was way too late, so I picked up some calzones for us. Mine was really good and after a long day in the office, it was good to come home, munch on a calzone and watch The Apprentice.

Apprentice is my favorite show. 24 is another of my favorites. I don't watch alot of tv, although I often have it on. To me there's a difference and now I sound like my mom! She used to say she was listening to a program on TV, but not watching it. When I was a kids, I thought, what's the point of listening to TV, you can listen to the radio. Go listen so I can watch :)

Well, I have analyzed what's going on with me. I am getting side-tracked really easily. I think it's because (don't laugh or get grossed out) I have always used tampons my entire life. Now that I had this D&C, I can't use them for 3 weeks from the date, after I see my doctor, NEXT WEDNESDAY!! Can't wait! Well, anyway, I have to use pads and I'm flowing super duper heavy right now, SO, here's my thought. I get side tracked because I can feel the flow. AND IT'S GROSS!!! Sorry, but for all of the women out there that use pads, YOU ARE CRAZY!!! I HATE THIS!!! I will be in a meeting, everyone talking, asking me questions and then all of a sudden - SQUISH!! GROSS!!

one more week............

So, I'm off to bed to relax, glad to be home, glad to be out of the office, away from my to do list and seeing my kids. :)

I love my kids. They are the best!!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Not doing so well

and it sucks!

I had one of the crappiest days, healthwise. I thought my uterus was going to fall out of my body and that I would bleed to death. Sorry, but it's true. I was so miserable I had to leave work. I have been cramping and flooding all day long and I have to wear those miserable pads. (sorry, they are miserable to ME, others might like them, but NOT ME!) Anyway, I probably shouldn't talk about this here, but what the hell. It's true.

Stopped by to talk to Rainman for a few minutes and he totally blew me off. He came by last night to get some of his stuff after he got off work and he didn't even come upstairs to let me know he was here. I just couldn't believe it. I mean he came into the house and moved his dressers and some other heavy stuff and didn't acknowledge that I was here or that he was in my basement. IT'S TOTALLY WEIRD!!

But what's not lately. My whole life has taken this strange sort of twist. Health - blah. Work - busy and stressful. Relationship - over. Kids - DOING GREAT!! MY BRIGHT SPOT IN MY LIFE!!! Oh well, I have always said that "I can survive ANYTHING as long as I know it will only last a SHORT TIME!!"

I will welcome the end of this chapter.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

My Plans

Here's what I've decided to do:

Instead of fretting over this guy or any other guy right now, I'm going to do the following:

  1. concentrate on work and doing a damn good job at it

  2. spend time with my daughter, teach her to drive, help her get her license in the next couple of weeks

  3. spend time with my son while I can. He'll graduate and move out one of these days and I will miss him.
  4. spend time with my oldest daughter, her friends, go to her apartment, eat at her restaurant, have her over for dinner and fun

  5. prepare my basement for the "makeover": clean, paint, graffiti art on a wall or two, carpet, make it compfy

  6. organize my new office space in the "spare" bedroom: clean, hang art, organize and LOVE IT!

  7. prepare my garden, spring is on it's way and I want my garden to be ready for early bloomers and a full rich garden in the summer

  8. spend time on myself, walking, eating healthy, listening to music, reading

  9. learn to cook various ethnic food starting with Indian

  10. go to art openings, concerts, shows, movies, Red's opening day

  11. go to church and small group meetings, finish reading Purpose Driven Life, get focused and spiritually healthy

I believe that by concentrating on myself, I will end up being the better person that I want to be anyway. Plus, it will get me focused on what's really important to me - my family, my house, my job. If I concentrate on this list, all other things will come together. Could use a cheerleading section to help me along! Go ahead, be supportive!!

Besides, I gotta get outta this funk I'm in....too many stressful, depressing things have happened....cancer watch...friends...stress at work...yikes!! But conversely, alot of great things are going clients at work spawning growth of my team...renewed spirit...feeling the depression trying to lift..hanging with my friends more...rekindling some old friendships...all these good things.

Monday, March 07, 2005

My Fault

Go Figure...

When you were a kid and broke something around the house, did you ever, even one time blame it on your bother or sister or cousin or someone else? Well, I think that's normal for kids to try to cover up when they do something wrong. It's a survival skill. But when it's an adult that can't take responsibility, it drives me NUTS! Today, I was once again challenged by an adult that decided I was the root causal of his lack of responsibility.

YIKES!! I'm telling you, I just have to say, I can't stand people that LIE and by blaming others for their mistakes it's a BIG FAT LIE. Seems like the last couple of weeks I've had a barrage of challenges with a couple of my friends. Last Monday was the first, today was the second. I knew today I would get the blame, last Monday I was blindsided.

I can't stand when people don't take responsiblity for their own actions. The blame game, everyone lately seems to be good at it. F*ck 'em

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Beautiful Day

and I'm loving it!!

It's an incredible day in Southwest Ohio!! The sun is shining, it's nearly 60 degrees, breezy and BEAUTIFUL!! I've been outside enjoying the day, cleaning up my yard (my dog - poopy mess!) and just throwing stuff away. It's nice to be outside without a jacket on.

Went out last night with some of my old friends from the neighborhood. We had a blast! I haven't been out partying like that in years. I went to hear a friend's band and hung out with all of the old crew. We hung out last night and told old stories, got caught up on the kids, jobs, and all that. I really missed them.

After the band played everyone went to Joe's house. That was fun, we played darts, listened to music, talked some more. Nice time!

I'm making a list of things that I have to buy, I LOVE TO SHOP!! New silverware, dishes, coffee maker, kitchen table. I saw some great patio furniture at the second hand shop today. I want to see how much it is. That would be great on my deck. I want my back yard to be nice and cozy, more flowers, more gardens. I would love to put in a garden with furniture to lounge on in my back yard. I have enough room. I just need to visualize it and see how much it will cost to do it. Maybe Kim can help me, she's really good with landscaping. I'm also going to buy a composter.

So, I guess I've got some projects in front of me. I can probably ask Guitarman and his buds for help if I need it. I just have to be careful with that friendship. It could easily be more than I want.

And I have reconsidered the whole dating thing. I just don't want to date anyone right now. It's just not worth it, I invest so much and always get hurt in the end. I'm not ready, not interested and not going to do it. So, for now, I am just going to take care of myself. I'm going to walk everyday, follow my weight watchers diet and spend some time doing the things I like. Hang out with my friends, do dinners, go to movies, just relax and talk. Sounds like a great life to me!

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Anyone know anyone?

definitely looking for a good recommendation

Today was the last straw, the clincher. It was Rainman's day off and it was a beautiful day - sun shining all over the place. It was a perfect winter day!! And Rainman could have come over and moved some more of this stuff. But instead, I didn't hear from him all day long. I don't want to do anything radical, but I will if need be. I am perfectly capable of moving all of his stuff outside, and stopping by his job to let him know it's all out in the driveway. I know, that's really shitty, so I'm not going to, but it makes me feel like it because he has no respect for me or my family by dragging his heels.

My son would like to paint the basement and fix it up while he's on spring break. Then he's going to move downstairs, which is sweet for me, because that opens his room up to become my new office :) So, we all have alot of work to do to get the house ready and the first step is getting the rest of Rainman's stuff out. I mean, I was nice enough to let him store his stuff here. Now he should be nice enough to get it out when I ask.

So, I will take a deep breath............try to track him down over the weekend............tell him to get over here Monday to get his stuff.

So, like my question is, does anyone know anyone career-minded, successful, moral, ethical, has integrity and likes to have a good time. He has to know how to treat a woman and I would prefer someone with a heart for God. He has to have a good sense of humor, like sports, movies, and teenagers. He has to be outgoing, have his own friends, have a fashion sense and like fine dining and wine tasting. He should like to go to art openings, symphony and social events in the city. Travel is very important, especially international travel. He should have his own opinions, confidence in who he is. PLUS HE SHOULD HAVE A NICE CAR :)

Ok, it sounds pretty bizarre and believe me this is not the definitive list and it's not in any special order of importance. I just want to meet someone that wants the same things out of life that I want. I have always settled and I don't want to settle anymore.

comments please :)

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Yahoo! Netrospective: 10 years, 100 moments of the Web

Yahoo! Netrospective: 10 years, 100 moments of the Web

This is a great 10 years in review. I love the presentation, a good use of flash! Hats Off to Yahoo! for 10 Successful years and a great way to remind us of the headlines over time.

Some of my personal favorites include:
DotComGuy, remember him? that was 5 years ago!
what about the Naked News?
the launch of eBay and Napster, Atom Films, Online Dating and Blair Witch project! There's some great reminders here of where the Internet has been and where it's going. And I'm proud to have been building, managing amd webmistressing websites for a decade!!

he's just not that into you

WHOA! The book's....

an eyeopener, brutally honest, easy to read and get through and should be the defacto guide for relationships!! Wow!

I've only started reading it tonight and took a break to write. I realized reading this that I've definitely dated this guy, I was going to possibly marry him at one point and yes, I came up with all the excuses for him to explain why he was too busy to call, to come over, to go out, to have sex, to spend time with me. What the hell!!??!!

The point is simple, if he's not into you, don't waste your time and energy. Free yourself up to meet the guy that is TOTALLY into you. And it sounds like he might be out there................where? now that's the question. wish he'd call me :)

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

more thoughts on Friends and Integrity

thanks for your feedback

Well, I did get some feedback on my opinions about Integrity. All I will say, is that you are right: "People make mistakes, even those with integrity -- but you can measure a true friend by his/her capacity to say, "I'm sorry"....and their commitment to make things right." -- Anonymous

Thanks for the reminder and removing the emotion from the transgression. She is one of my closest friends and I love her so much. AND I HATED BEING PUT INTO THE MIDDLE and then literally hung when I was forced to intervene.


And for those that really know me, a simple I'm sorry from both of us will resolve this. I'm a very loving and forgiving person. I don't hold a grudge, don't believe in it. I've seen too many people grow old and bitter because of holding a grudge.

So, if you are reading this, I would like this to be resolved. You can't act like I don't exist because I do and we have been such GREAT friends.

Back At Work

and it's a bit strange

Today, I came back to work. It's not too bad. First of all, my phone is not ringing in my office, it's going straight to voice mail, thus pretty quiet. Had a full day of reviewing February revenue, so that is always fun, especially when I find errors and we get to invoice more :) Had 200+ emails to read, but couldn't do them because of the revenue review, so tomorrow, I'll tackle those. My projects were fine while I was out, so at least I know that much!

The extraordinary good things included a vase of fresh cut flowers from Randy, that was soooooooooooo nice, they are beautiful and I know if I take them home, they'll freeze, so I'll leave them here. They make me smile everytime I see them, and God knows, I could use some smiles; my VP personally asked how I was doing and that meant alot to me, he was wondering if I had heard anything on the test results yet, and to let him know on March 16 what I find out; my clients had left voice mails wishing me well and my colleagues sent me emails and messages asking how I was doing.


Thanks to everyone that inquired about my health. It sort of makes the other crap that happened yesterday a little easier to swallow.