I started missing my house the other day or was I really missing it?
Thanksgiving evening, he pulled out the Christmas decorations and brought them up to the apartment. That’s when I started missing my decorations. I was getting all sentimental. You might recall that over the summer I had the yard sale but the Christmas decorations didn’t sell. So, when I put all the donation stuff together, I gave away 15 boxes of Christmas decorations!!! yep, that’s right! 15 boxes!!
I had everything in there from indoor/outdoor lights to ceramic decorations. I had probably 15 years of collecting things. Some of them were from my Mom, some from my kids, some from stores that I bought and loved, some from yard sales and thrift stores. I decided to sort through it and I kept only a little bit. I kept one nutcracker, the first one that was “real”; tree ornaments that my kids made or gave me and other favorites, and a couple small nick nacks that belonged to my Aunt and Mom. I kept the ones that had memories and sentimental value to me.
In the summer, when I sorted and decided what to keep, I was content with my decision. I still am. I mean it is just STUFF…..stuff that can be replaced if we need it or want it. Anyway, now they will become someone else’s memories and sentiment.
So, last week it started with the Christmas decorations. Then I started thinking about where I put the decorations: my mantel, my room, the family room, the window sills, outside the house, the bushes, the gardens…the basement. Yep, I started thinking about some years when I loved to decorate and others when I did but complained. I thought about how my house looked, how I loved it once it was decorated, how it would have been so much better if he had been there with me over the years. I would have LOVED if he had been with me my whole life. We would have had a great life …… fun together …… great kids ….. a lifetime of memories!!
So then I started feeling nostalgic, “what-if” and “what could have been”. In other words, I started feeling sorry for myself for all the crap that I went through in my life, all the years I was alone and the other years when I wasn’t. They were good and bad, but nothing like it is now with him. I missed the house……but it wasn’t the house exactly. But I don’t know what it was exactly.
As I told him how the house looked, how much I loved it. I started to get teary eyed. Funny. I think the tears were because I still haven’t sold the house and I have to keep paying for it even though no one is living in it. (you know, I used to think people that did that were CRAZY for leaving their house!!) Anyway, in a flash, the memories in the house came rushing at me: the kids, the birthdays, the Christmases, the parties, the cookouts, the dinners, my friends, my cars, my dumb boyfriends that were about useless, the dog, the cat, nights alone, conversations, bottles of wine, great meals, the joy I felt when I bought it! Even though, I was scared to death to buy the house all by myself, I realized I could do it. I could afford it and we were very happy there. At the time, I never thought I’d leave it. I thought I’d live there forever. SURPRISE!!
Anyway, all these memories came flying through my head, like a movie on fast forward. It evoked my emotions and “ta-da” tears came flowing. He asked me to share with him what was wrong, so I did. You know, one of two things could have happened. He could have told me I was silly and chances would be that I would never tell him how I felt again. OR he could have done exactly what he did – he listened to me!! He listened while I explained I missed the house, the decorations, the Christmases there. I sobbed and sniffled. He held me and listened.
The best part, he knew just what to do and what to say to me to make me feel better. He let me feel my feelings, he didn't discount my fears or apprehensions, he let me get it all out, and then he said some things that made me feel better.
The truth is I don't miss the house or my stuff. I miss making money and working. I don't like living on my savings, but at least I have it. I have lived so much of my life in debt and always scraping to get by, I thought that was behind me. We're not scraping but I am getting in debt and will get more in debt before I start working again.
But once it's all said and done, I know I'm making the right decision. For the first time in my life I am happy. My personal life is great. I'm satisfied with how things are. I am not making my "usual" list of things that are wrong with him and all the reasons why I should break up with him ALREADY!! I always knew what the others were about and all their short comings. I put up with them anyway. But this time is different. He doesn't offend me, he doesn't do things that are shady, he doesn't over indulge in alcohol, drugs or other crap. He puts me on a pedestal, he takes wonderful care of me, his words uplift me, he's good for my soul. That's more important than a house or stuff.
But I still have to ask myself what was I really missing???
The kids – the memories – the “romantic” idea of what my life was about. But the truth was I did the best I could to get by, but I was not really happy. I was maintaining, leaning on my friends (which is ok, we leaned on each other), wondering what’s wrong with me because I could only attract the WRONG guy.
I used to go see a psychic a few years back. She was pretty right on when we talked about relationships. Every time I met someone, I would ask her about him and she was basically always right. She told me once that I already knew my “man”, my soul mate and that he would come back to me. Well, strange isn’t it??
So, I don’t miss the house anymore, I wish someone would buy it and really enjoy it, like we did. I do miss my friends, but I can talk to them and it’s not bad.