Sunday, July 10, 2005


and Twinkly!!

I just can't help myself...I am totally lovestruck. He's all I can think of, I mean, I do the daily tasks that I have to, I get my work done (well, almost all of it) but I can't stop thinking of him. I long to hear his voice, I long to see him, but that's a rarity since he lives in Fresno, California and I live in Cincinnati, Ohio. It's so far away. I wake up with him on my mind, I close my eyes at night and he's on my mind. Everything I do all day long he is there with me.

I wonder "what he's doing now" fairly often throughout the day. Yesterday, I went to the Loveland Bike Trail, walked my 5 miles, thoroughly enjoyed the nature of the trail. I listened to music while I walked and thought of him the whole way. I took a moment at the half-way point, laid down in the grass and stared at the beautiful sky. I wondered, what is he doing now. Is he out walking too? Is he running errands? Is thinking of me? I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THE LAST QUESTION - YES, HE IS THINKING OF ME!!! We are both LOVESTRUCK.

One thing that you probably know about me, I have been looking for the right person all along. I tend to find someone, look for the good in them and try to fall in love with them. If we click, then it's not too hard for me to fall in love. The thing is about me is that things quickly come unraveled. Sometimes I break it off and move on, other times, I hang in there, hoping that the guy will get his shit together and see what a great person I am, what a great partner I am. But it doesn't happen. I have even tried dating different types of people. It didn't work. Wasn't meant to be.

I have always this "list" of things that are important to me and it has NEVER happened that all the attributes on the list have been covered by one person. In fact, I have been known to prioritize the list because I know that I can't find everything, so I compromise! What the hell! Why? Remember, I read the book, He's not that into you, and it opened my eyes for sure!! I think I dated most of the guys outlined in the book. hehe!

Here's the top attributes on my list:
  1. he cannot be addicted to alcohol or drugs, recovering or active. It's preferred that he can go out to dinner or a party, have a drink and be socialable. No judgement on me because I have a drink.
  2. he has to have a career. I do, so should he.
  3. he has to have a retirement plan. Hey, I'm not getting any younger!! I want to know that I am not going to be stuck working until the day I die! Not only does he have to have a plan for the future, he has to have money saved so that it can come to fruition.
  4. he has to love my kids, even though they are grown up and may/may not live with us. First and foremost, I will ALWAYS BE A PARENT!!
  5. he has to have his own place to live - apartment, condo or house, I don't care. He CANNOT live at home with his parent(s), unless it's due to parental illness or some other extenuating circumstances that is beneficial to the parent(s).
  6. he must have a creative outlet - play an instrument, love music, movies, and art, paint, draw, read books, even playing video games is acceptable. However, the creative outlet can't be the only thing they do!! i.e. if they are a non-working musician they have to have another job.
  7. he has to know how to clean up after himself, can't be a slob, know how to do the dishes, laundry, clean the house.
  8. he has to be handy around the house, general maintenance, lawn care, house care.
  9. he has to like to eat a variety of fresh fruits and vegetables. I am a vegetarian that eats fish (sometimes grilled chicken) and I cook some very interesting dishes. He has to be adventurous with his diet and willing to try new things as I find them. He has to like to try new restaurants and ethnic food.
  10. he has to LOVE THE OUTDOORS! I do and I can't fathom my life without being outside. I love to camp, I love to visit the mountains, tne woods, streams, fields, trees, lakes, sandy beaches, anything outdoors!! I love the fresh air and the beauty of God's creation.
  11. he has to have a good sense of humor, an even temperment, be able to put up with my constant need for communication, talking, writing, doing anything. He has to understand that I am an extremely outgoing person and need external stimulation of all kinds.
  12. he has to like my friends. I have some neurotic friends, don't we all?? He even has to like them!! I have friends that I have had my whole life, since I was 5, 12, 21. I won't give them up for anyone.
  13. he has to like sex as much as I do or more. None of this - once in a while crap, it has to be on a regular basis.
  14. he has to think that I am beautiful and have a great body. Even when I don't think it's so great! I mean, I've lost 55 pounds since Sept. and am still working at it to lose more.
  15. he has to think I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him.

I have found some of these before, but obviously, not all of them. I have always wondered if my list was too agressive. If I was looking for more than anyone should have in life. But why would I compromise? Don't I deserve to have these things? Don't I deserve to be treated the way I want? This is how I treat guys in a relationship, shouldn't I get back what I give and more!??!

My Mom didn't seek another relationship after she divorced my Dad. She ended up being a lonely woman, pretty bitter, with only a few friends. I don't want to live my life like that. I am a total extrovert, I love being around people, I love going out and socializing. I love to go to the Art Gallery, to concerts, to parties, to movies, to friend's houses, out to dinner, for long walks, drives, anything but be home!! I love to have fun, to laugh and to love - even if I get hurt or disappointed. So I have taken many chances in my life. I have fallen for Mr. Right and Mr. Wrong. The funny thing about Mr. Right is that I walked away from him early on and have been trying to fill the void with lots of Mr. Wrongs ever since.

Until now. God has granted me a second chance, a chance to finish what was started so many year ago. God has listened to my prayers, has given me the man that can fulfill those attributes and has bridged the gap of many years so that we can truly love and cherish each other with a love that gains strength from a history of loving each other and grew over time even though we weren't together. It's AMAZING! I am totally blown away by the fact that we are reunited with no warning!! God, I thank You for knowing my heart and fulfilling my dreams.

I am moving to California as soon as I can. It's amazing, but I have no fear about the move. I have decided to sell everything I own!! I am giving up a life that was dependent upon my possessions - mainly because I didn't have a love in my life that was worthy so my outlet was to buy THINGS. There are some things that I love and collect and will not give up, those can be shipped via UPS to his place. Then we can start a new life together, buy our own things, keeping it simple and light. That's my theme now - SIMPLICITY! So if you are interested in buying some of my things, let me know. EVERYTHING MUST GO!! I'm California bound sometime in the next 6 months!!

"And in the end.
The love you take is equal to
the love you make!"

--- The Beatles, White Album

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