Tuesday, January 25, 2005

It's Been A While

Too much going on

It's been a while since I had time to write in my blog. I guess it's because I've been too busy at work and home. My health has taken the forefront in my thought process. I have been seeing my doctor's on a regular basis. I've been poked, prodded, ultrasounded, x-rayed, discussed and so on. I have a new set of fears with each step of the process. Alot of it is still unknown and that probably drives me the craziest. I am such a calculated, detail-oriented person that I expect things to be a certain way. But with doctor's and health, I guess I have to wait to see what's going to happen and have to trust their expertise and judgement. I would prefer for everything to happen instantly.

Things at work have been so busy. My to do list is getting under control, but it's still pretty long. I have managed to stay afloat, keeping the plates spinning, but it's not been easy. It's just a matter of keeping the priorities straight. God knows I try. I work long hours, get to work early, work all day, come home & fix dinner, then work some more. Sometimes, I think that all my work has lead to problems in my relationship. Not that all of our problems are my fault or due to my job, but I would say that it's a contributing factor. I wish it was different. I wish that I had a normal job, even if I worked weird hours, I just want a reasonable amount of time working. I am tired of working 50-60 hours every week. I have done it now for 4 years and it's taxing. You know the strange this is that I feel guilty when I take time to do the laundry or clean my house or even cook dinner. I am always thinking about work. I don't take time for myself, I don't get to take care of myself the way I would like. I just muddle through, taking things as they come and working all the time.

I try to keep things in perpective. I try to organize my life, prioritizing my duties, my responsibilities, my schedule. Sometimes I don't make every choice as the best choice, but again, I try. I am continually looking to improve my life, and I have alot more to work on :)

The thing is that I work so much, then sometimes I'll just sit down to relax in the evening and then I fall asleep, exhausted. But then when I wake up I just do it all over again. I need a BREAK! Not a vacation, that doesn't help, I need a break. I need more manageable job duties and responsibilities. Good luck!!

Well, my relationship is in the toilet again. He's got most of his stuff moved out, but was still staying here until last night. It was what seemed like the last straw. Long story, kind of personal, but I can say that I felt so frickin' compelled to work that I chose work over spending time with him. Stupid Stupid Stupid. He left in a huff, I was upset and still had to work. It totally sucked, then I couldn't work effectively today, had to go to the doctor's and came home exhausted. Slept for hours and still have a long to do list. It's got to end.

I heard that yesterday was the most depressing day of the year, according to one study. Kind of interesting, it was a combination of post Christmas, winter, new year, and some other factors. It was also a full moon and I definitely felt the affects! Hope that I don't have another day like that again for a while.

I hope you are doing good, are happy, are enjoying the new year and that your job is much better than mine.

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