Thursday, December 30, 2004

more tests.......Cone Compression

'tis a bit unnerving

Now is when my faith in God will really help me through. I know that some things are out of our hands and this situation definitely falls in that category. The Breast Center called my Dr. to tell him to have me come back in for further tests. A Cone Compression test. Sounds serious.

I checked a couple of websites, still looking for a comprehensive breast health site, if you have a good suggestion, NOW would be a good time to share!! I would REALLY APPRECIATED IT. Anyway, it looks like this test if to check the density of my breast. The thing that baffles me is that this is the other side from the earlier report. So, I'm already going to see a surgeon for one side and now more pics on the other side.

One site that I found provided a decision tree with likely results for breast exams.

I found that only 10% have to have further testing, so that's 100 out of every 1000 women tested.

From that, 75% are ok and have to come back in 6 months for regular testing, the other 25% (or 25 women) have a biopsy or some further workups.

Of that 25%, 80% of those getting a biopsy find it's benign (not cancer) and of the positive 20% (only 5 women) 80% (4 women) are in early stage cancer and only 20% (1 woman) are in advanced stage.

So that's gives me hope that the odds are in my favor to end up in the OK category somewhere along the decision tree.

I have faith in God and I really do know that I have to give this to Him and trust that His will be done in my life. I guess, the book that Jake gave me will help me let go of this and give it to God. Speaking of that book, I am going to go read Day #2.

"If you are going through hell, keep going."
--- Sir Winston Churchill

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Thor's having company

Mad's coming to visit

His girl is coming to visit. Thor's my dog, big dog, german shepherd/rottweiler mix, looks mostly shepherd, weighs in about 135 lbs, is as sweet as a dog can be. Mad's coming to visit him. So is Jac, his old master, before the divorce. I know that they can't wait to see him. I wonder if he will remember them. I've had him now for 2 years. They have visited a few times, when they are in town. It'll be interesting to find out if he remembers. I hope he does, so they will not be disappointed.

next day.....update........They pulled into the driveway, so I let Thor out the front door. He approached the car, but then got a little skiddish. Jac called his name and crouched down to Thor's level. Thor gave him a little sniff and the LOVE was free flowing!! I was so happy! Thor was nibbling and kissing both of them, jumping up to meet them and wagging all over the place! It was fabulous! Everyone was amazed. My faith in dogs intelligence has been renewed. I already knew he was totally smart, but now I am convinced that instinct is stronger than intelligence and he remembered them from scent.

Isn't that amazing?


"If you are going through hell, keep going."
--- Sir Winston Churchill

Monday, December 27, 2004

On a serious note.......

if you pray, please do so for me :)

Went to the doctor this morning for my annual exam. You know it's never the greatest thing to do anyway, but today was worse than usual. I had my mammogram on Wednesday, results not in, but my Dr. isn't taking any chances. He's concerned about that lump that's been there FOREVER! He wants to be sure that it's really nothing, or that it hasn't changed over the years. Well, I guess it's better to be safe than sorry. I would rather find something sooner than later. Considering that if it is the "c" word, then it's better to get it early on. Statistically speaking, that is.

So, I'll probably be freaking out quite a bit over the next little while, until I have a definitive answer on what it really is. Please bear with me, pray for me and hope it's nothing - just one of those benign things that have been there my whole entire life.

Coincidentally, I started reading the Purpose Driven Life yesterday. It's a 40-day journey to find the answer to the age old questions of "why was I born?" "what is my purpose in life?" The journey includes reading a short chapter daily, reflecting on the scriptures introduced for the day and then journaling a point to ponder. What a better place to journal my 40-day Journey than in my blog. So, bear with me, because I think that over the next months to come, there will be quite a bit of personal, soul-searching, and medical prayers happening here.

In order for the journaling to be successful, it's better to have people to share your thoughts with and to get feedback from others. I totally invite your comments and feedback. I think this will make my journey more meaningful.

Right now, I'm going to my favorite please to eat for lunch The Resturant and see my favorite chef, Chef Jimmy!! I really have missed him and have to much to tell. So, I'm heading over there now. More later, after I have lunch.

Happy vacationing all week!!



Sunday, December 26, 2004

uh-oh, it was definitely a "BLONDE MOMENT"!

like how to lose every picture on my camera....

this is a sucky admission and a totally accidental WHOOPS moment. I hated it. I was trying to turn off the flash on my camera, flipped through the menus so fast, didn't pay that close attention and instead of turning off the flash, I formatted the smart card. Can you frickin believe it? I lost about 300 pictures or so! Most of them were from my women's christmas party, the StrategyStyle christmas party at Tropicana's including some great pics from Club Clau, all of our Christmas pictures both at home and at my cousin's, including everyone on Santa's lap. It totally sucks. And for those that were looking forward to seeing the pictures, I'm really sorry. But no one will know how sorry I am because I am pretty good at "beating myself up" for the mistakes I make.

Sorry!!

Merry Christmas!

hope you had a great holiday season, so far!

It's the day after all of the holiday fun and boy, did we have fun?!?! I love having my kids all here. This year, I woke up first, let the dogs out, fed them, made the ever loving coffee and a wonderful breakfast for the kids: bacon, cheesy scrambled eggs, toast, juice, fruit slices, and milk. After it was ready, I decided to wake everyone up to open gifts. It was great to be the one to wake them. It even took them a while to get up and at it. I thought that was so funny. I mean, I remember the days of staying up late, putting bikes together, toys together or even just finishing the wrapping. Then they would roll out of bed early, REALLY EARLY, and would come to wake us up because Santa had been there. We may have only had an hour of sleep some years! But, that's what it's about with little children. They are too excited and they make it totally fun.

But this year was different and I really loved it. It made me start thinking of what it will be like in the future when they won't be here on Christmas morning. When they will live at their own homes, maybe not even in town. That's when it will be strange to wake up on Christmas and not have anyone in the house. I don't know how my mom did it all those years. We would go see her sometimes on Christmas Eve and then later, after my ex's parents moved back to Ohio, we would see them on Christmas Eve and then we would go see my Mom after the kids opened gifts on Christmas Day. Then, after being there for a while, we would go to my aunt's house for dinner with everyone there. It was pretty hectic back in those days. But, it was worth it because everyone got to spend time with their families.

Part of what we still do now, is based on what we always have done. Like, we still wait to open gifts on Christmas morning. I hope that doesn't ever change. I hope that we always get together on Christmas in the morning to open presents together. It's fun because we laugh, pose for the camera, tease each other, tell stories, share memories and have a good time while we open presents. Beka always wears the Santa hat and passes out the presents. We take turns opening, one at a time, so everyone gets to see what was opened and who it was from. It's more fun that way! Plus, it does take extra time, but hey what else do we have on Christmas morning but time? :)

Then after we open presents, we decide what new game to play or movie to watch. This year, we played a new Sorry game with cards and then we watched Elf. Both were lots of fun, the game was different and we love Sorry, so it was a big hit. And the movie was hilarious! I was very pleased with the reaction to everyone watching it. We laughed and laughed some more.

Then after the movie was over, it was time to start getting ready to go to my cousin's for Christmas dinner with the whole family. I really look forward to it. It's just fun to be with everyone, eat dinner together, and generally be a happy family there all together. This year was the smallest crowd ever. The weather really had alot to do with it. Too much snow, too hard to travel. In fact, my son was supposed to be there when he got off work (worked 4-6) but he ended up working until 8, so he didn't come over. Instead, I brought him some food. This was the first time that he didn't come over. But we ended up with about 25 people or so. There was plenty of good food and laughter throughout the evening. We didn't stay as late as we have in the past, but we did get there pretty early, so that made up for it.

We got home and watched another Christmas movie, spent some time together and after a little time passed by, I was ready for bed. It has been a long day. Lots of fun, lots of blessings.

In retrospect, we did alot of things that we always do - we have some traditions and try to keep things going in that direction. But then, on the other hand, we also do quite a few things different all the time - like the breakfast, sometimes, I make it, sometimes, I just buy something to serve, sometimes, we just have cereal, it just depends. But Beka always wears the Santa hat, she always passes out presents, we always go one person at a time and always take turns. We always take our time opening presents. We always thank each other and always have a great time together. We always have stockings with presents in them, we always have homemade cookies, ham, broccili casserole, and always have chips and dip and cheeseball. We mostly decorate outside, but we always decorate inside. We always love each other and we always remember why we even have Christmas and we always give God the glory.

I loved our Christmas. I loved my gifts, my children were very generous this year and really took good care of me. My youngest daughter bought me several wonderful and thoughtful gifts, including an earring and necklace set in silver, extra earrings, the fuzziest and pinkest slippers! and my favorite: a beautiful gold ring with MOM written on it, diamond cuts around it. She totally understands the love I have for jewelry because she totally loves it too. Thanks soooooooooooo much. Then my son gave me exactly what I asked for: a wireless router, wireless pci card for our desktop and framed my Abbey Road poster that he gave me for my birthday. He also gave all of us the Purpose Driven Life. What great gifts! I'm loving the wireless at home, and I'm loving the framed poster. I fixed the desktop so we don't have to use the pci card, so he can return and keep his cash. My oldest daughter gave me a lovely sweater and scarf set. Pinks, purples, reds. I just love it. I felt so spoiled by the time we were done. The kids got lots of clothes, good smelling stuff, and jewelry. Exactly the things that they asked for. I tried to give them some surprises, but it's kind of hard at this age. But I managed to pull off a surprise or two along the morning.

It was totally fun!! totally great.........I love my kids. They are the greatest!!


Friday, December 24, 2004

Day of Joyful Noises...

...in the Kitchen!!

I woke up early this morning and finished the cooking and baking for tonight's birthday and Christmas celebration. I've baked a cake, ham, made homemade macaroni and cheese, broccili casserole (I have the best recipe for this that I got from a dear friend years ago), brussel sprouts, parsnips, a huge bowl of stuffing (for tomorrow at my cousin's) and breakfast for the family.

Tonight, Rainman's kids will come over to spend some time, eat some food and enjoy a holiday celebration. I am a bit concerned because he still hasn't told them that he is moving out. He and I have talked about it, he doesn't want to worry them, so he doesn't say anything to them. Gee, the same behavior that I displayed when school started this year. hmm. Oh well, it will work out the way it's supposed to. I think we tried to do too much too soon. The whole idea was to date until my youngest graduated from high school, which is this June. Then we would sell our homes, and buy a house that we both liked for us to live in. That way we could combine our things and make it our house. The problem started when he decided to sell his house, but his stuff would still be in his condo. Then some time passed and he wasn't spending time at his condo, he didn't even unpack from moving into there from his house. Then he decided to sell it, move his stuff here...........that's when the slippery slope started happening. I didn't ever mind that he was here, spending the night and all. But when he 'moved' in 100%, I started getting weird. I didn't really want him to be here 100%. I just wanted him here instead of going home. I know it sounds strange, but I wasn't really ready for him to move in. I guess, I didn't know that, until he did. And then it was too late.

I suggested that he put his stuff in storage, but he doesn't want to do that. So, the next best thing is for him to have his own place. I kind of think that he blames me for his having to spend the money, but I take no responsibility for him having to take care of himself. He's a grown man with some things that he has to take care of and now is a good time for that. So, we will still go out, hang out, be friends and lovers, just wait to see where it goes. However, in the meantime, I'm distancing myself from him, as a natural defense. I don't mean to, but it's inevitable for me to protect my heart. Even though it's a good thing for him to move, I know it's gonna be different, I'll miss him, I'll be depressed somewhat, I'll be working too much to fill the void. I won't eat to fill the void - that's for sure. I'll try not to drink too much, but I can't promise that. I know I will just drink at home if need be. :)

But, that's next week. And I'll deal with it when it happens. In the meantime, here we are, it's Christmas and we're celebrating!! I love the holidays and this year will be the best ever!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

It's Christmas Eve morn

and Rainman's Birthday!

Today is December 24th. It's Rainman's Birthday and we are having a family party. We usually have dinner and open presents for both his birthday and Christmas with his kids. I'm looking forward to tonight, this will be our 3rd such party together.

I stayed up late tonight, just enjoying my time - watching Conan. But tomorrow, I'll get up early and start the cooking. I baked cookies (couple different types of chocolate chips, peanut butter) today and banana bars. I was going to bake brownies and another kind of cookie, but I ran out of time and I figured I'm better off baking the cookies my kids like, instead of ones that ONLY I like. I am still on my diet, you know. So tonight, we had homamade sushi with salads for dinner. YUM!

The menu for tomorrow is: ham, scalloped potatoes, spinach, kale, butternut squash, and broccili casserole. I'm going to bake a double chocolate cake with milk chocolate icing and vanilla bean ice cream for Rainman's birthday. The kids can take cookies home with them. I doubt that my kids will be home for his birthday. But I do expect them to be here later in the night, so they can be here on Christmas morning. :)

I'm also making the stuffing to take to my cousin's house tomorrow, so she can bake it for Christmas dinner. Not sure how much to make, so I'll give her a ring in the morning. I have a cheesecake to take with me to her house. It's one left from my party last week. It was LOVELY! But it's been tucked in the fridge and not been eaten all week, so we could take it there for Christmas dessert.

Well, I'm off to bed. I hope that everyone's day tomorrow will be bright and merry, full of Christmas spirit and blessings. It's a wonderful time of the year and a time to really show that we care about others. If you still want to donate time or money or presents to an organization for a needy family, just contact an outreach church tomorrow and take them your gift of love. There are plenty of people that would appreciate your thoughtfulness.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

"If you are going through hell, keep going."
--- Sir Winston Churchill